I have to wake up in 4 hours...to go shopping. Is that wrong? I'd like to think it's not. I've just been craving the mall for the past week. And every time I say I'm going to get up early and go, I still shut off my five alarms and stay in my warm bed (not that it's very cold out, I wish). And I don't ever find anything that great, because I'm too fat.

It's like the extra-large section is tiny compared to the extra-smalls. How fantastically ironic for us.

I've been wanting to wear my sweatshirt to a game, but it's not cold enough yet. And also because it probably makes me look bigger. (Or maybe I am that big, gasp.) I've tried to set goals for myself, but it's just not going over too well.
I can't talk about it with them. Not that I want to talk about it with anyone, but you're supposed to talk about things with your family, I suppose. I always just thought we were supposed to talk about every other family member. It's like anytime my mom says, let's go on a walk, she expects me to say OK! And it's not gonna happen. Why? Because you're only doing it for me. You never ask anyone else because you think they don't need to go. And even if you're already going, I still wouldn't want to go with you because it's dumb. I work out much better by myself.

And it doesn't help that my best friend is anorexic/bulimic and my entire family is skinny.

I really think my life would be different if I hadn't broken my leg. Because then I would have gotten skinnier that summer and not gotten to be this way. I really think that it may have even affected more than physical stuff. Everybody looks at you different when you're fat. Maybe I would have gotten a different job if I hadn't gained weight. Maybe I would have kept up with friends better if I didn't look so different. I don't know what my problem is. I know I have a skinny person inside of me. I've seen her briefly. It's getting to wear I dread listening to my friend talk about her weight. I just can't stand to hear her go on and on about all the food she eats and throws up and how it hurts her afterward so much that she feels like she might die and she needs to get her roommate to watch her in case something happens. (sorry for the runon.) And this has happened way more than once. When is the revelation going to happen? But at the same time, what I am doing to my body when I put all this food in it, just because it tastes good. It's not like I eat bad all the time. And when I started my job, I thought I was eating better than I had been, and I lost five pounds. But I couldn't keep it up. Could it help if I lived alone? Who knows. I really don't think it would help if I lived with my messed up friend though. How did she get so messed up? Was there something I could have done to make it not get so bad? What can I do for her that I haven't already done??? I need strength for tommorrow. Be with me and her, especially in our hard times.